Oh dear. I'm slighlty drunk. I have therefore felt it necessary to phone Ex Boy. Our conversation mostly consisted of me telling him what an idiot he is.

This all started because a mutual friend of ours phoned me shortly before hand, informing me he was meant to be seeing Ex Boy tonight, and how annoyed he was because Ex Boy had ditched him because he was meeting some girl. Don't know why, but it bothered me.
I've imagined him countless times in bed with another girl since we stopped being with one another; and know full well he has been with other girls. But, tonight it annoyed me. Tonight, I have had over half a bottle of wine, am very tired, am frustrated by a lot, and wanted to vent. On someone.
I guess I was pissed off imagining him making time for someone else. So I phoned him.
"Hello?" - Him.
"You're an idiot. You seem to find time for other girls, but not me. Tell me, my life is ridiculously busy, yet I always make time for my friends and boyfriends, but you? You seem incapable of factoring anyone into yours. Anyone, being people that you claim you love and care about." - Me.
"Whoa. I'm sorry. I know I'm lame, I'm crap at making plans." - Him.
"Yes, you are. I'm tired of it. I don't have the energy for it anymore, and I'm sick of trying. I feel like a mug with you sometimes." -Me.
"What are you doing now?" -Him.
"Oh my God. Are you kidding me?! I'm literally just going to bed. I've had the busiest day ever, and have work tomorrow." - Me.
"OK, so what are you doing after work tomorrow?" - Him.
"Um, well nothing really." -Me.
"Perfect. So we can see each other tomorrow?"-Him.
"Well, I'm not holding out for anything."-Me.
"What you don't think we'll end up seeing each other?" - Him.
"Nope."-Me.
"Well we will. Are you not wanting to?" -Him.
"I'm not saying anything. I will say, if it does happen, I will most probably be looking and feeling really rough after work. Plus, I will be needing a huge glass of wine." -Me.

So, we've arranged to meet tomorrow night.
I don't know if I should. In fact, I know I shouldn't.
I have not been in my right mind recently, and I know he can read me. I need to bloody back out, but something in me - the devil who consistently overbears the angel on my shoulder - is telling me "screw it".

I don't even care anymore. I'm just in an incredibly destructive little frame of mind where I feel like abusing everything to excess and seeing how much it pushes me, and where it pushes me.

He's not the one for me, and never will be.

I need someone who is : motivated, ambitious, driven, not easily intimidated, makes his own way in life, has strong values, good morals, is a good listener, intelligent, calm, dependable, punctual, does what he says, says what he means, fights for what he wants, wants a family, believes in marriage, and appreciates old values.
This seems to be what I need. Yet I rarely fall for it. I've fallen for two men in my life.
Yet, it's never really these credentials I fall for. It's not what's on paper that makes me imagine having a future with someone. It's the way they make me feel.
Maybe that's why I should back out of tomorrow. Ex Boy. Oh dear.

Apologies for how backwardly fluid this post is. Too much wine.