Is Someone Getting The Best Of You?

"Everyone's got their chains to break. Were you born to resist or be abused? Is someone getting the best of you?"

When life becomes stressful most of us think we need a holiday. The holiday: the solution to all of life's problems. Most of us imagine ourselves laying on white sands, feeling the warm embrace of the sun with crystal clear blue waters lapping at our feet.

Why is it then, that whilst indulging in a day dream such as this on a particularly depressing Tuesday afternoon, do you fail to allow yourself to think about what the reality would actually be?

In reality that 'warm embrace' of the sun would have left you with a terrible headache and the disappointment of not being able to wear most of the clothes you had packed, as there is a very limited range of colours that happen to go with Brit Abroad Lobster Pink.
The clear blue waters would most probably have washed up a particularly deadly breed of sea creature your way and the white sand would most likely be stuck in every crevice in your body.

The harsh reality of the idyllic day dream is this: if you're boarding the plane at Heathrow as anything less than blissfully happy, you cannot expect to have the perfect holiday you dreamt of.

I use this image as a metaphor for what I think most people believe relationships to be.

Most people imagine relationships to be the elixir to their problems. We seem to think that they will magically transform us into the person we have always dreamed of. Together. Happy. Secure. However if they are not qualities which you already posses on your own, how can you expect or rely on another person to make you feel them? If you are unhappy relationships are not the solution, they are simply another added problem.

The real challenge is to be the person you've always wanted to be by yourself. If you can achieve this, then when you do find yourself in a relationship, it will be far more likely to be one that will work.

I'm aware that the tone of this particular blog may be somewhat preachy and maybe it it, but I'd like to consider it more as written words that are trying to impart what I fear to be the only piece of wisdom I have learnt in my so far short lived life.

Up until fairly recently I was the girl that I am writing about. Slightly dysfunctional (we all are, I just have no qualms in being honest about it) and therefore, subsequently usually in a dysfunctional relationship. On a never ending ride of dizzying highs and lows. Ultimately never really feeling in control. If you're not in control of your emotions then what is to stop anyone from playing with them or taking them from you? Emotional Russian roulette. Sometimes I'd feel like I was winning, but mostly I would feel like I was losing. It wasn't good enough. I am not someone who does well in feeling like a victim. I am a feisty girl at heart, I have strong opinions and have no problems voicing them and debating them with my friends, so I really couldn't understand why I would turn into such a submissive person when in a relationship.

Maybe it was because I usually got involved with men either a decent amount older than me or who were far far older? The power balance seemed to be off and I seemed naturally to assume the role of submissive.
I believe it to be a myth that the older men get the more secure they feel. I believe it to be far more likely that the older they have got, the more baggage they have aqquired (this, my opinion based on experience); and coming from a nation where talking about problems is frowned upon, it is also more likely that they will have never dealt with the issues they have had since they were little boys and their parents sent them off to boarding school. It's what seems to separate us (the 'younger generation') from our parents and our grandparents: we are, on the whole encouraged to talk about our problems and to face up to them. Something that ultimately may mean we are equipped to be better parents than those before us ever could be. No one wants to pass on the fuckery of what their parents have passed on to them.

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin

Most would acknowledge it a truth common known that the things we find easy are usually the things we grow most bored of. You know where this is leading -"Life was never meant to be easy". It may be a cliche but it's true none the less. There will always be goals to reach, questions to ask, sights to be seen, memories to be had, challenges to enter, love to be made, love to be lost, and many more obstacles that will be placed in your way to ensure you never ever become bored.

It's funny, I was at a girlfriends last night. We were sat in her garden drinking (red wine for her, vodka for me, and later a very questionable liqueur we discovered in her fridge...) and discussing marriage. This particular girlfriend and I have known one another for ten years. In some ways we are very similar and in others we couldn't be more different if we tried. But I usually consider us to share the same fundamental views on the things that really matter.
Last night we were talking about marriage. The topic came up after we started to discuss ex boyfriends and our families. Her parents divorced when she was relatively young, and both have since re married and are very happy with their partners. My parents have been married the best part of thirty years, and I oftwn think they would be far happier apart.
After a painful and long break up, she has changed her views on marriage - she no longer believes in it and thinks it is completely unrealistic to think that any relationship will last for ever.

"You can't say that" I told her.

Her father has recently re married nearing the age of sixty.

"If I'm ever going to get married, then I would want to do it at my Dads age" she said

"Yes but do you only believe your Dads marriage will work because he has less time to live, and therefore less time for it to fuck up?!"

"Yes! If I think about it, I guess so!" she replied.

We sat there for some time talking about it. I am a strong believer in marriage. Strange as I don't have the best role models for one. Perhaps that is why? Who knows. She asked me why I wanted to get married and why I believed in it. It was odd. I found it hard to articulate my reasons for it.

Here is what I could muster.
1. I want to stand up in front of everyone I know, and make a vow to commit to someone for the rest of my life.
2. I want my children to take their Fathers name, and for them to come from a strong family unit.
3. I want to take on my husbands name.
4. I want to be a partnership with someone.
5. I want to be a 'proper' family.
6. I believe in marriage.

As I said, I couldn't articulate it particularly well. In fact my answers were somewhat pathetic, when you consider each point didn't really make any sense. In fact most of my points could be achieved even if you weren't in a marriage.
I don't know why I believe so strongly in marriage. It's just not something I have ever not wanted.
When doing a relationship MOT a few months ago, I started to notice that the men I had been attracted to have all been men who have either believed strongly in marriage or have already been married and had children.

If I am most like any character in Sex and the City, I would most definitely be Carrie Bradshaw. I'm aware that most girls say that I know, but for me it is true. I've had the Mr. Big (the love of your life who is in and out of your of it like a yo-yo), I have old fashioned values and am a firm believer in love and don't want to settle for anything less than butterflies. However, when it comes to the subject of marriage and children, I am most definitely Charlotte York-Goldenblatt.
In recent months I have connected with her character on a different level - quite annoying really as there are now episodes that I feel I cannot watch. Really annoying, as most of the episodes are in season six and were favourite episodes before things changed. Ah well. Anyway, I digress. Charlotte? Similarities?...yes....
I've always been the idiot who believes that I will make my marriage work. Naive? Maybe.
I read a recent interview with Salman Rushdie where he was talking about marriage. He said he believed it to be far more romantic not to be married to someone, as you are then with that person purely out of choice. Both knows the other could walk away anytime they wanted to, but they choose not to. Goldie Hawn made the same comment when being interviewed by Jonathan Ross about her choice to never marry her partner, Kurt Russel.
My friend jumped for joy when I made this point, " That's exactly how I feel. I don't want someone to feel obliged to stay with me......I want them to choose to be with me..." she said.
I feel the same in that respect. I don't want some poor bastard to feel he has to stay with me because of financial commitments, but I also don't like the idea of someone being able to walk away when the going gets tough.
Who knows, never say never. Maybe I'll come to change my views on the subject in the years to come. I can't see it though.
The way I see it is: I've had my heart broken, and will most definitely either break someone else's, or have mine broken again in the future, but there will come a point where I will find someone who I will want to spend the rest of my life with (with any luck he'll feel the same way.....) the rest of my life being his wife, and him being my husband.
That's as clearly as I can articulate it for now.

Song For Guy.

"Change your heart, and look around you.

Change your heart, it will astound you."

Song For Guy. Weird title. The song reminds me of my childhood - In fact I don't think there is an Elton John song that doesn't remind me of my childhood, but this one in particular has the ability to transport me to a place so vivid in my memory; a place I always return to when I'm feeling the way I am now.
It reminds me very clearly of an evening at my family home in Spain. This particular time it was being played whilst my brothers were playing on the floor, with me barely able to see what they were doing for being so tiny -if memory serves correctly I was two or three- the patio doors were open with the sun setting in the back ground. Mum was pottering around contentedly and Dad was being the Daddy I never got to see at home.

Up until the age of about 16 my Dad worked seven days a week, meaning I never got to see him. You only know what you're used to though, and I'm no different to any other person who had an absent father.

For all my Dad's hard work Mum always saw it that we would spend the most of the Summer as a family in Spain.
I remember the excitement my brothers and I used to have before leaving for Spain. Most people end up relaxing on holiday. Not my Dad though. Whilst there, he'd constantly be on the phone to the UK and would often have to fly back and forth leaving us three children with my Mum. The fleeting times he would relax and stop shouting however, are some of the happiest of my childhood.

I think when you become an adult feelings of contentment become fewer and further between. You seem to get caught up in your daily life; work, friends, relationships, the pursuit of something. All of which are only obstacles preventing us from being truly naturally happy. Truly content.

We're all guilty of it.
I know I am.

For as long as I can remember I've been in in a continual loop of friends - man - work - (and most importantly) pursuit. Always a pursuit. Whether it's wanting a decent, nice man, trying to be skinny, wanting to be someone else somewhere else, pushing myself to work harder, striving to be a better person or looking for happiness; it's all ultimately the same thing. Pursuit is escapism.

It's a way of escaping the HERE and NOW.

Hell there was even a film made about it. In the film (The Pursuit of Happiness) Will Smiths character, Chris Gardener is quoted as saying "I started to think about Thomas Jefferson and the declaration of independence and the part about our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking, how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? Maybe happiness is something we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it, no matter what."

I don't quite know how it happened but a few months ago I managed to find my way out of the loop. I think it was the end of a relationship that did it. I felt incredibly sad afterwards. It was strange. I wasn't in love with him, yet there I was sobbing on my bedroom floor when it ended, with a girlfriend hugging me, telling me "he was a manipulative bastard anyway Steph! So much better rid". So why was I so upset?
It wasn't him.
Yes, he was quite nasty and did seem to have game plan with me -he made me trust him with something only two friends know of (they only know by default). He forced it out of me telling me I could trust him and then, surprise surprise he turned into bastard number one which was a bit of a kick in the teeth. But that wasn't it. I've had far far worse and I'm a tough girl. No that wasn't it.
So what? Why had I banked so much on it?
Simple.
I wasn't happy.

I'd been in the continual loop of pursuit for so long, I'd managed to loose myself in it.
So it was there on my bedroom floor slumped in a heap that I vowed no more.
It took a while, but over the last couple of months I've felt like I've got there. I don't know exactly where "there" is, but it's. . . different; far different.

After unexpectedly being rushed into hospital in October I developed a huge fear of it happening again and falling ill with no one around me. It was by pure chance that I fell ill with someone around who was able to rush me into hospital. Left any later and I most probably would not be here now. Afterwards I felt the need to always have someone in close proximity - family was not an option as my Father did not want me around at the time and had thrown me out - another story, another time perhaps.

I could not sleep alone.

Hating the weakness I felt, I made the active decision of forcing myself to go against it. It was horrible at first. Few panic attacks here and there. I'm still a little insecure about the whole thing, but I no longer need someone in the next room for me to fall asleep. Going to Paris with a bunch of friends last month was something I didn't think I'd be doing when I was in hospital.

After always being with domineering powerful men, I'd also ended up loosing my identity. Most of them had trampled on my kindness and wiped their feet on my optimism and romantic nature. Fearing that I would end up a man - hating, cynical old woman with a penchant for Laura Ashley and too many cats at her feet, I also made the decision to figure out who I was again and to try and like it. Man or not.
For the last two months I have not been in contact with a man. No dates. No fuss - apart from a very gorgeous man who happened to end up in my living room a few weekends ago I haven't even so much as looked at a one.
It's been nice. My head has been so much clearer. Don't get the wrong idea here, it's not only my 'sa- boy - atical' that has made me a happier person.
By nature I am someone who takes on other peoples worries and problems as my own. I'd been caught up in it for a long time, so I thought I'd have a go at changing that too. It may sound selfish but for the last twelve weeks I have somewhat fallen off the friend radar.
My close friends know where I am if they need me, but I must admit to not checking in or engaging in any parties.
I have spent less time in Southampton, and more in the Countryside. I've spent more time doing the things that never fail to make me happy. Things that do not require an internet connection, a mobile phone signal, alcohol consumption, or validation from another person.

I've tried to like who I am physically a little more. After having a bit of an unhealthy relationship with food twice in my life, I may never be truly happy with my figure or appearance, but I've found it important in the last few months to try bloody hard. I write this while eating a bowl of ice cream - oh the irony. It doesn't matter how many men have paid me compliment, I've never actually heard it (except maybe when Ex Boy did it, and that was only because he never did it). It kind of sucks when you go and see your boyfriend and he tells you "you're gorgeous"and you can't accept it. It caused rows with the last guy I was seeing. He found it frustrating.
So yeah you guessed it - I wanted to rectify that too!
I have my days, but we all do, plus I don't actually know any of my girlfriends, or women for that matter who are genuinely happy with their appearance. If you find one, let me know.

Small things that have been making me happy:

I've bought myself beautiful lingerie; In the past I have only really ever bought underwear for a boyfriends pleasure. How awful. I do not want to end up as one of those women. I am NOT that sort of woman. So, I've bought gorgeous expensive lingerie and worn it. Just for me. And Jesus does it feel good. Knowing I'm the only one getting to see it gives me a strange feeling of naughty, innocent childish excitement.

Baths; I never gave myself the time to have one before. Now I make sure I have at least one a week. Candles, music, all the mush. Something I used to enjoy doing with Ex boy. Yet, now I adore the selfish hour spent out of my life alone.

My horses. They'd been neglected in the midst of me being with the last man - the one I had found myself falling for. I would do the bare minimum with them to enable myself to drive all the way to London so that I could spend a night with him and so that I could be around for when he drove to down to see me.
How pathetic. My horse has been my pride and joy for nearly ten years. The daily routine of looking after him and knowing that he relys on me has saved me from truly going off the rails countless times; and for that I will be eternally grateful. Yet I'd sacked off all my responsibilities with him and my other horse to be with someone who never knew what he had.

I think the girl who I was before all the drama started has always been with me, it's just that she got a little lost along the way.

It's only been in the last few months that I've allowed myself to sit down and think about everything. I've always put off confronting problems. Getting to the root of problems is something I rarely do. I rationalise for a while and then chuck them to the back of my head. I'm very good at rationalising. My friends would tell you it's my best quality. They don't understand how I pick myself up as quickly as I do; I think it's because I will not let myself analyse. What's the point? Shit happens to everyone and It's totally out of our control - I do however, believe we are in charge of our fate. Mentally speaking that is - I mean things happen to everyone, but we all have the choice of how we will deal with it and what we let it do to us. I will not let any problems I've had stop me from doing what I want to do. There is always going to be someone worse off than you; and I happen to be very grateful for what I already have in my present, regardless of I'm lucky enough to have more in the future.