Song For Guy. Weird title. The song reminds me of my childhood - In fact I don't think there is an Elton John song that doesn't remind me of my childhood, but this one in particular has the ability to transport me to a place so vivid in my memory; a place I always return to when I'm feeling the way I am now.
It reminds me very clearly of an evening at my family home in Spain. This particular time it was being played whilst my brothers were playing on the floor, with me barely able to see what they were doing for being so tiny -if memory serves correctly I was two or three- the patio doors were open with the sun setting in the back ground. Mum was pottering around contentedly and Dad was being the Daddy I never got to see at home.
Up until the age of about 16 my Dad worked seven days a week, meaning I never got to see him. You only know what you're used to though, and I'm no different to any other person who had an absent father.
For all my Dad's hard work Mum always saw it that we would spend the most of the Summer as a family in Spain.
I remember the excitement my brothers and I used to have before leaving for Spain. Most people end up relaxing on holiday. Not my Dad though. Whilst there, he'd constantly be on the phone to the UK and would often have to fly back and forth leaving us three children with my Mum. The fleeting times he would relax and stop shouting however, are some of the happiest of my childhood.
I think when you become an adult feelings of contentment become fewer and further between. You seem to get caught up in your daily life; work, friends, relationships, the pursuit of something. All of which are only obstacles preventing us from being truly naturally happy. Truly content.
We're all guilty of it.
I know I am.
For as long as I can remember I've been in in a continual loop of friends - man - work - (and most importantly) pursuit. Always a pursuit. Whether it's wanting a decent, nice man, trying to be skinny, wanting to be someone else somewhere else, pushing myself to work harder, striving to be a better person or looking for happiness; it's all ultimately the same thing. Pursuit is escapism.
It's a way of escaping the HERE and NOW.
Hell there was even a film made about it. In the film (The Pursuit of Happiness) Will Smiths character, Chris Gardener is quoted as saying "I started to think about Thomas Jefferson and the declaration of independence and the part about our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking, how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? Maybe happiness is something we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it, no matter what."
I don't quite know how it happened but a few months ago I managed to find my way out of the loop. I think it was the end of a relationship that did it. I felt incredibly sad afterwards. It was strange. I wasn't in love with him, yet there I was sobbing on my bedroom floor when it ended, with a girlfriend hugging me, telling me "he was a manipulative bastard anyway Steph! So much better rid". So why was I so upset?
It wasn't him.
Yes, he was quite nasty and did seem to have game plan with me -he made me trust him with something only two friends know of (they only know by default). He forced it out of me telling me I could trust him and then, surprise surprise he turned into bastard number one which was a bit of a kick in the teeth. But that wasn't it. I've had far far worse and I'm a tough girl. No that wasn't it.
So what? Why had I banked so much on it?
Simple.
I wasn't happy.
I'd been in the continual loop of pursuit for so long, I'd managed to loose myself in it.
So it was there on my bedroom floor slumped in a heap that I vowed no more.
It took a while, but over the last couple of months I've felt like I've got there. I don't know exactly where "there" is, but it's. . . different; far different.
After unexpectedly being rushed into hospital in October I developed a huge fear of it happening again and falling ill with no one around me. It was by pure chance that I fell ill with someone around who was able to rush me into hospital. Left any later and I most probably would not be here now. Afterwards I felt the need to always have someone in close proximity - family was not an option as my Father did not want me around at the time and had thrown me out - another story, another time perhaps.
I could not sleep alone.
Hating the weakness I felt, I made the active decision of forcing myself to go against it. It was horrible at first. Few panic attacks here and there. I'm still a little insecure about the whole thing, but I no longer need someone in the next room for me to fall asleep. Going to Paris with a bunch of friends last month was something I didn't think I'd be doing when I was in hospital.
After always being with domineering powerful men, I'd also ended up loosing my identity. Most of them had trampled on my kindness and wiped their feet on my optimism and romantic nature. Fearing that I would end up a man - hating, cynical old woman with a penchant for Laura Ashley and too many cats at her feet, I also made the decision to figure out who I was again and to try and like it. Man or not.
For the last two months I have not been in contact with a man. No dates. No fuss - apart from a very gorgeous man who happened to end up in my living room a few weekends ago I haven't even so much as looked at a one.
It's been nice. My head has been so much clearer. Don't get the wrong idea here, it's not only my 'sa- boy - atical' that has made me a happier person.
By nature I am someone who takes on other peoples worries and problems as my own. I'd been caught up in it for a long time, so I thought I'd have a go at changing that too. It may sound selfish but for the last twelve weeks I have somewhat fallen off the friend radar.
My close friends know where I am if they need me, but I must admit to not checking in or engaging in any parties.
I have spent less time in Southampton, and more in the Countryside. I've spent more time doing the things that never fail to make me happy. Things that do not require an internet connection, a mobile phone signal, alcohol consumption, or validation from another person.
I've tried to like who I am physically a little more. After having a bit of an unhealthy relationship with food twice in my life, I may never be truly happy with my figure or appearance, but I've found it important in the last few months to try bloody hard. I write this while eating a bowl of ice cream - oh the irony. It doesn't matter how many men have paid me compliment, I've never actually heard it (except maybe when Ex Boy did it, and that was only because he never did it). It kind of sucks when you go and see your boyfriend and he tells you "you're gorgeous"and you can't accept it. It caused rows with the last guy I was seeing. He found it frustrating.
So yeah you guessed it - I wanted to rectify that too!
I have my days, but we all do, plus I don't actually know any of my girlfriends, or women for that matter who are genuinely happy with their appearance. If you find one, let me know.
Small things that have been making me happy:
I've bought myself beautiful lingerie; In the past I have only really ever bought underwear for a boyfriends pleasure. How awful. I do not want to end up as one of those women. I am NOT that sort of woman. So, I've bought gorgeous expensive lingerie and worn it. Just for me. And Jesus does it feel good. Knowing I'm the only one getting to see it gives me a strange feeling of naughty, innocent childish excitement.
Baths; I never gave myself the time to have one before. Now I make sure I have at least one a week. Candles, music, all the mush. Something I used to enjoy doing with Ex boy. Yet, now I adore the selfish hour spent out of my life alone.
My horses. They'd been neglected in the midst of me being with the last man - the one I had found myself falling for. I would do the bare minimum with them to enable myself to drive all the way to London so that I could spend a night with him and so that I could be around for when he drove to down to see me.
How pathetic. My horse has been my pride and joy for nearly ten years. The daily routine of looking after him and knowing that he relys on me has saved me from truly going off the rails countless times; and for that I will be eternally grateful. Yet I'd sacked off all my responsibilities with him and my other horse to be with someone who never knew what he had.
I think the girl who I was before all the drama started has always been with me, it's just that she got a little lost along the way.
It's only been in the last few months that I've allowed myself to sit down and think about everything. I've always put off confronting problems. Getting to the root of problems is something I rarely do. I rationalise for a while and then chuck them to the back of my head. I'm very good at rationalising. My friends would tell you it's my best quality. They don't understand how I pick myself up as quickly as I do; I think it's because I will not let myself analyse. What's the point? Shit happens to everyone and It's totally out of our control - I do however, believe we are in charge of our fate. Mentally speaking that is - I mean things happen to everyone, but we all have the choice of how we will deal with it and what we let it do to us. I will not let any problems I've had stop me from doing what I want to do. There is always going to be someone worse off than you; and I happen to be very grateful for what I already have in my present, regardless of I'm lucky enough to have more in the future.
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